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Residence Life Resources

Communicating clearly does not just mean being direct and explicit; it involves listening, too — and letting the other person know that you’ve heard them. How do you do that? You take the time to say what you heard and check that you heard correctly rather than leaping ahead to your next point. Moving on without acknowledging what you heard can cause the other person to feel that you aren’t listening — even when you are.

Recommendation: Speak clearly and directly, always remembering that good communication also involves actively listening to what the other person is saying. Also, be sure to recap what you heard and to learn if you missed or misconstrued anything before you reply or move on.

If you don’t know what you’re each expecting the other to do — and not do — it’s virtually impossible to meet those expectations. So, if you are used to keeping quiet about your needs, expressing them via polite hints or, conversely, just getting your way, you will need to adopt a different approach to prevent conflicts from arising.

Recommendation: Establish some basic ground rules with your roommate early on — ways of living and behaving that you both agree are reasonable, comfortable and doable. Then let this “roommate contract” serve as your set of guidelines for living together. This should be a “living document,” though — one you can revisit and revise together.

To have a healthy relationship, you need to speak and act with respect for one another. That means accepting one another’s differences rather than making fun of them. It also means recognizing that your roommate’s property is not yours to use or borrow unless your roommate has given you permission to do so and then, if permitted, treating that property with care.

Recommendation: Observe the golden rule: Do [and speak] to others as you would have them do [and speak] to you. Then, if your preferences aren’t in sync with your roommate’s, discuss matters respectfully.

Giving each other the “benefit of the doubt” often prevents small missteps from turning into big conflicts. Agreeing to trust that you are both honest and well-meaning also allows you to enter into discussions in a friendly, curious way, which is likely to yield a better result than one entered into with anger, hostility and suspicion.

Recommendation: Agree to give each other the “benefit of the doubt.” In other words, when one of you says or does something that bothers the other, assume no harm was meant. Then discuss the matter in an open-minded way.

Talking in person is almost always better than attempting to communicate via email, a video chat or over the phone. Why? Your tone — or attitude toward the person and/or topic — is less likely to be misunderstood when you’re face to face.

Recommendation: If you have an issue that you need to talk about, tell your roommate that you’d like to set aside some time to talk — just the two of you. While this may seem unnecessarily formal, it is one of the best ways to prevent the other person from feeling attacked or blindsided, either of which can derail a discussion even before it begins.

Bringing a third party into your discussion of an issue, whether in person or by sharing that third person’s opinion of the matter,is not helpful It will almost certainly cause your roommate to feel ganged up on and potentially misrepresented or “bad mouthed” to others, which feels awful and may damage your ability to resolve the issue. So, out of respect for your roommate’s feelings and reputation, don’t involve others in your conflict.

Recommendation: Keep your issue with your roommate between the two of you, unless you or someone else will be put in harm’s way by doing so. If that is the case, seek professional help by contacting an appropriate resource on the Department of Recreation and Wellness Emotional Wellness Resources page.

Observing the same ground rules for communicating that you use to prevent a conflict can also help you resolve one. In particular, make sure that each of you feels heard and properly understood.

Recommendation: Be clear and straightforward when expressing your thoughts and feelings. Avoid name-calling, using loaded language and being reactive. If you start to feel too emotionally charged to talk calmly, pause to take a deep breath and focus your thoughts.

Begin your discussion by looking for matters on which you both agree to establish common ground. Do you both value the same things? Are you both interested in finding good solutions?

Recommendation: Find common ground first. Once you start agreeing on the basics, you’ll both be more inclined to compromise on the tougher issues that you disagree on.

If you are very explicit about what you need, you may find that your needs aren’t mutually exclusive. For example, imagine that you both think you need your dorm room all to yourself on Sundays, but one of you only needs it in the morning and the other during the afternoon — or, you’re both just seeking quiet time to study? By sharing exactly what you need, you would quickly resolve the perceived problem.

Recommendation: Share precisely what you need and, if it’s not uncomfortable for you to do so, the reason why. Doing so can help you find solutions that satisfy both of you.

To resolve an issue, you may both have to give up on getting exactly what you want. Or, you might have to make trade-offs — each of you getting some of what you want.

Recommendation: Before getting together to discuss a troublesome issue, think about which issue(s) you are willing to compromise on (“nice to haves”) and which one(s) you feel you cannot (“needs” or “deal breakers”). If you know what you’re willing to adjust or trade off and what you are absolutely unwilling to give up on, you will be more ready to make compromises that you can live with.

If — or when — you realize that you are wrong about something, own up to that fact and apologize for it. Conversely, if your roommate admits to and apologizes for something, forgive them if you can. Most people make mistakes. Making one doesn’t have to be a reason for ending a relationship.

Recommendation: If you made a mistake or did something wrong or upsetting, take ownership of that fact: admit to it and offer the injured person a genuine apology. Likewise, when you are offered a genuine apology, try to accept it and forgive.